The Mafia’s Wanted Desires

ASHLEY

Running.

That was what I was going to do. That was what I had resorted to. I meant that I was going to run in literal terms. I was going to dabble in distractions, things that took my mind off the recent disaster. I was done wallowing in sadness, and if all I had to do was wear a mask over my actual self if that was what it would take to suppress the pain. To suppress self-loathing. The self-disgust.

Then, I’d do it.

After all, that was one thing I was good at doing. Hiding underneath the shell, the perfect shell I have painted for the world to look at. The perfect facade. The one I have worn for years. I was going to hide till it all went away. A big part of me was still hoping it was some dream that I so desperately wanted to wake up from.

What was the perfect definition of a distraction?

Work.

I was going to go to work after two weeks of crying my eyes out. After two weeks of shutting my friends out, Dawn and Ivanna have been blowing up my phone with calls, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to converse with anyone. My parents included.

They were here two days ago, banging and yelling at my doorstep, waiting for me to open the door, but I couldn’t. I sat still, on my bed, unable to move a muscle. I wasn’t ready to face them. I wasn’t ready to see the look on their faces when I broke the terrible news of what I had done to them.

I couldn’t bear it.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, plastering a fake smile on my face. I let my hair down from its ponytail and worked my brush through the tangled mess. I applied some leave-in conditioner onto it and brushed it backwards, pulling it into a neat, low-sleek bun.

Then, I got started on my makeup. I applied primer and rubbed it into my pores. I let it run dry before applying my foundation. I applied concealer, light blush, setting powder, and finally some powder to blend everything. I applied a light eyeshadow and faux lashes and brushed it out with some mascara, completing the look with red lipstick.

I added a setting spray and took a lingering glance at my face in the mirror.

I knew I wasn’t this girl.

But, holding on to this girl was a coping mechanism for me to keep myself from losing it. From facing the truth. It was a way I could deal with my pain without falling apart like I had been doing for weeks.

I used a pair of gold studs and hooked a matching necklace around my neck. My manicured fingers brushed the hickeys on my neck and I let out a shaky breath, gripping the edge of the dresser for support.

The fucking hickey was still there, staring back at me, mocking me.

It wasn’t as pronounced as it was for the first few days. It drove me mad when I found it on my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut and sniffed in, looking heavenward to keep the tears from falling off my face.

“Hello, Peach,”

No…

“I want you. Right now. All of you.”

No!

“Please, don’t stop…”

“No!!” I let out an ear-splitting scream, pushing the items on my dresser to the floor. I rose to my feet, staggering a bit as I held my head in my palms, desperate to shut the voices out. It’s been like this for weeks! I couldn’t get his voice out of my head! I could feel my sanity slowly slipping away from me.

The guilt was eating at me, settling into me and breaking me over and over again. It was so overwhelming. I could barely breathe.

It was as though my body still remembered every one of his touches. I end up dreaming of him every night, touching me everywhere, whispering sweet words into my ears, and intertwining our hands as he thrusts into me.

As he stripped me of my virginity.

I would see him gazing down at me so lovingly.

I didn’t want to see him anymore!

I didn’t want to hear his voice anymore!

I didn’t want to feel his touch on my body as if he were here anymore! But, it was like the more I resisted, the harder it got.

I glanced at the wall clock and wheezed. I left my bedroom and walked into my closet, pulling out a black blazer dress that looked like it had a Basque at the waist, adorned by pleats at the bottom. I paired it with red mules and a matching handbag.

My make-up was still intact when I checked in the mirror.

“Just get through the day, Ashley.” I reminded myself and picked up my car keys and left the house.

That was all I had to do.

Get through the day. I found a perfect spot in the company’s parking lot and pulled over, turning off the engine. I adjusted my rearview mirror and assessed myself, then I took a deep breath before stepping out of the car. The car beeped once I locked it with the buttons on my key.

I could feel the eyes of the workers boring holes into my body the minute I stepped into the reception. Their unwavering gaze at me was enough to make me falter in my steps, but I refused to let them scare me off. I refused to give in to their satisfaction.

I straightened my shoulders and spine, tilting my head and chin upward, and then I strutted into the elevator that took me to the last floor where my office was. I got out of the elevator and ran into Maxine who looked like she had just seen a ghost.

Her jaw was almost dropping to the floor. I rolled my eyes and wanted to walk past her, but she stopped me.

“Ash, sweetheart,” She cooed, in her signature high-pitched tone that had falseness dripping off it. She shifted her weight on her other foot, jutting out her hips and placing one of her hands on it, flipping her hair.

“Maxine,” I called in a not-so-sweet voice and watched as she faked a gasp, placing her hands over her chest.

She drew me in for a hug, almost choking me with her perfume.

“Is everything okay? We haven’t seen you in weeks!” She lamented and I snorted, pulling away from the suffocating hug.

“Yes,” I sighed.

“I’m fine, Maxine. Can I go now?” I wanted to leave but she grabbed me by my arm, giving me one of her fake smiles.

“You know you can always talk to me about anything…” She trailed off and I arched a brow at her words. I wanted to groan aloud so bad. My stomach churned in disgust and my face scrunched up in a frown.

“The sisters and I are always here for you,” She said and I snatched my hands out of her grip, walking out on her. I heard her scoff and I rolled my eyes, sauntering into my office.

Fuck her and fuck the sisters!

They could all go to hell for all I cared.

I didn’t give a rat’s ass.

I groaned in frustration and threw my bag on my table, plopping on my swivel chair. My eyes swatted to the gift bag and bouquet on my table. I furrowed my brows, glancing at my closed door as my eyes wandered around my office, wondering who could have dropped it.

The red roses were secured in place with pink paper, and a red ribbon tied around them. I brought it to my nose and inhaled, taking a whiff. They smelled so amazing, eliciting a giggle from me. God, I could sniff it all day! I picked up the gift bag and brought out the contents. It was a black LV Box, a box of Maltesers, and a bottle of pink wine.Content bel0ngs to Nôvel(D)r/a/ma.Org.

I tore the box open, pulling out a mini LV clutch. Black, shiny, and gorgeous. I dug my fingers into the gift bag and brought out a pink-colored note, my eyes skimming the contents.

???????? ?h????,

??? ? ???????? ????.

????.

“Huh?”

“No name?!” I asked no one in particular, glancing at the card with each passing second. I shrugged casually and decided to keep myself busy with the box of chocolates. I tore the pack open and threw a handful into my mouth, munching on the milky chocolatey goodness.

The shrill sound that exited my desk phone interrupted my momentary happiness. I rolled my eyes and picked it up, placing it on my ear.

“My office,” She instructed and hung up. I shoved the gifts into the gift bag and left my office, closing the door behind me.

As I made my way to Genevieve’s office, I made a mental debate, weighing my options and thinking about a million ways where this meeting could go wrong.

I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if she called security on me and told them to escort me out of the buildings with my belongings or if she decided to fire my ‘incompetent ass’ as she claimed.

I took a break from work, without giving her the slightest notice or even deeming it fit to send an email to her, not even a text message! I had left her messages on read for the past week, not responding to any of her emails.

Whatever reason it was she called me for, I knew it couldn’t be anything good. And with that, I gave a gentle knock at the door and waited for her response.

“The door isn’t locked,” She spoke up, bits of irritation hanging in her tone.

I twisted the knob and stepped into her office.

Her head was slightly bowed as she typed away on the computer in front of her. I could still make out the light frown on her face. On cue, she peeled her gaze off her computer, her eyes narrowing at me.

Her expression remained unreadable.

Her blank eyes were trained on me as I approached her table, drawing in a breath. My knees wobbled lightly under her piercing gaze.

“Good morning, Gen,” I spoke up, breaking the silence I could no longer bear for one more second.

“What makes you think you still have a job at this company?” She fell back onto her swivel chair, cocking her head to the side and spotting a look of disgust on her face.

I swallowed.

“Girl, you have got some big nerves,” She muttered under her breath, but I could still hear her.

“You just took off, without informing me beforehand. I tried to reach out, but you aired all of my texts and emails! Who the hell do you think you are, that you feel like you can run this company however you see fit?” She questioned, rapping out all in one breath, without stopping to take pause.

Her obsidian eyes were narrowed at me in dangerous slits, piercing my skin and shooting laser beams and lava at me through them.

“I’m the boss, NOT YOU!” She growled and I flinched, squeezing my eyes shut.

“How dare you?” Her voice was dangerously low, and I watched with curious eyes as she got up from her seat and took slow, menacing steps toward me. It had me veering backwards and tripping on my heels, sending me to the floor abruptly.

And all of a sudden, Genevieve wasn’t the one I was seeing anymore. Adam was standing right there with this sinister smile on his face, watching me intently. I shifted backwards on my butt, shaking my head vehemently with tears streaming down my face heavily.

“I’m sorry! Please, don’t hurt me!” I screamed, snapping my eyes shut.

Silence.

An eerie silence hung in the air.

My breath was starting to come out in short puffs, loud hiccups, and sniffs emitting from my lips. My eyes fluttered open the moment I felt a stack of papers hit me on the lap.

I was met by Genevieve’s stern gaze.

“Get those done.” She said through gritted teeth and strutted to her desk.

Wait, that was it?

She wasn’t going to fire me?

“You aren’t going to fire me?” I inquired, the words sputtering out of my mouth dumbly.

“If I wanted to do so, I would have sent you an email not to come to work anymore. You are one of Allure’s best. I can’t afford to lose you. It’s a huge loss.” She said monotonously, causing my jaw to drop in shock.

She raised a brow at my appalled self.

“Get to work, Miller!” She snapped, jolting me out of my reverie. I got off the floor and picked up the papers.

“Thank you, Gen,” I told her and she rolled her eyes, waving me off, dismissively.

I sauntered out of her office and closed the door behind me. Get through the day.

That was what I had been telling myself all day.

I pulled over in the driveway of my house and got out of my car, not without grabbing the gifts Mystery Man sent to my workplace this morning. Yes, that was the name I could come up with. Who sends a gift to someone without attaching so much as a name or an inkling about who they were?

That’s mysterious if you ask me.

I got into the house and shut the door behind me. I headed straight for my room and got out of my dress. I was starting to feel so itchy. I drew a quick bath for myself and changed into something more comfortable.

I was starving, so I took the wine and went into the kitchen to fix myself a plate of steak. I was oddly craving it. Much to my relief, I still had a few slices of beef packed up in my fridge, causing me to grin cheekily.

It was done in no time and I took my time to devour my meal. My phone rang out, bringing a momentary pause to my meal. I picked it up and exhaled softly when I saw the display name. It was my mom.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

I was fine. Why couldn’t they understand that and respect my decision? But then, I knew I couldn’t avoid her forever. With how well I knew my mom, I knew it was only a matter of time before the last shred of patience she was holding on to, snapped into two. With that, I exhaled and answered the call.

“Ashley, finally!” She groaned loudly.

“Your dad and I have been trying to reach you. Your friends too. What is going on with you, Ashley?” She asked, her tone filled with worry.

The steak I had thought was delicious earlier, suddenly irritated the crap out of me and tasted like I was munching on dry leaves. My taste bud had morphed into a ball of sourness.

“I’m fine, mom. I have…just been busy.” I lied, toying with a strand of my hair.

“You are growing more distant as the day goes by. I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. Like I don’t know who my daughter is anymore,” She paused, heaving a breath.

“You can talk to me, Ashley. Do you think I wouldn’t understand?” She queried, her voice drawn to a whisper.

“Don’t shut me out, please. Ashley__” I cut her short, suddenly feeling weary to have this discussion with her.

“I have to go, mom. We’ll talk later.” I hung up on her before she could say one more word and choked out a sob. My eyes were clouded with unshed tears that I desperately wanted to hold back, but I couldn’t. I was too tired.

I lied.

I lied when I said I had it under control.

I lied when I said all I had to do was distract myself. It wasn’t working! Nothing was working! I was in so much pain and could barely breathe. It felt as though my life was slowly slipping away like it wasn’t mine anymore.

I felt empty. So, so empty.

I was breaking. I was losing my mind. I was falling apart. Adam has been blowing up my phone with texts and calls, begging me to forgive him and come back home, telling me how he was a mess without me.

How he couldn’t live without me.

The guilt that was eating at me, reminding me of what had transpired between me and the guy at Gray’s Lounge wouldn’t even allow me to breathe! I have never felt this disgusted and restless in my entire life.

Adam didn’t deserve this.

He didn’t deserve a whore like me!

A slut who would open her legs for any man that gave her a nickname.

I got off the stool that was opposite the kitchen island. My feet were wobbly, my vision was totally blurred, and my heart pounded furiously against my chest. My throat was clogged with sobs, and then, I felt my legs melt into a puddle, giving me away and I fell to the floor.

I hugged my knees to my chest and broke down terribly, bawling my eyes out for the umpteenth time.

I was a mess.