Shadows In Durango

*****Sofia's POV*****

"I feel terrible!" I whisper out in a breath, only loud enough for myself to hear it, before I sink back down in to my chair.

The moment Vincent walked away, I felt empty once again, the waiting room being a time for me to fully look back and reflect on everything that had happened - everything I had done wrong.

His absence was immediate, as if the air had been sucked out of the space as though he couldn't stand to be around us for a second longer. He left us behind with nothing but the oppressive stillness and the dull hum of the hospital machines running in the background.

Luckily Emma had brought me pyjamas to wear (proper ones) not like the scratchy fabric I was found in and as for my matted hair and bruised up body, there wasn't much to be done with that right now...

I swallow hard, annoyed that I somehow thought I would feel back to my normal self the second I was out of there and away from Ashton, but right now, I probably felt worse...

Worse knowing that I had hurt so many people with my foolishness and stupidity!

Reid hadn't moved either, his leg still bouncing nervously as he stared down at the floor, clearly worried for his friend, and I could see the tension settled in his jaw, the same unspoken fear that was gripping all of us. Daryl was still in surgery, still fighting for his life and it was all my fucking fault.

I tried to blink back the tears burning the corners of my eyes, but it was no use. The pressure had been building for way too long, and now that Vincent had been and gone, there was nothing left to hold me together. Emma squeezed my hand gently, like she could sense the storm brewing inside me, but even her quiet support couldn't stop the flood from coming.

I covered my face with my hands, my chest tightening as the sobs eventually broke free. "This is all my fault," I whispered louder, my voice cracking under the weight of the words.

Emma immediately shifted closer to me, wrapping her arms around me, but her embrace only made the guilt worsen. "Sofia, no "

"It is!" I choked, pulling away from her. The tears were falling freely now, hot and fast, and I couldn't begin to control them.

I didn't care who saw me. I didn't care about anything except the overwhelming guilt eating me alive from the inside out.

"If I hadn't left Vincent's house that night... if I would have just stayed to talk things out with him... If I hadn't have been stupid enough to walk down that street alone so late at night... if I had just told Vincent about Ashton being in town... none of this would've ever happened to us!" My voice grows with each explanation, each one acting like a punch of reality.

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Emma shook her head, her eyes soft with sympathy. "You couldn't have known any of this would have_"

"I should have known!" I screamed, startling both Emma and Reid completely now.

"I should have known he was the same asshole from before! Every damn sign was there to alert me that I wouldn't be safe here with him in town and I just ignored it!" I continue on, ignoring the nurses who stare and whisper nearby - no doubt worried about my current mental state.

But I didn't care!

The sharpness of my voice cut through the room, but I couldn't stop it. The words had been locked up inside me for hours, and now they were spilling out, raw and jagged.

"Now Daryl might die in there, and it's all my fault!" I choke out, allowing for my head to fall forward back in to my hands as I cry relentlessly.

I won't ever forgive myself for causing so much pain to those who stepped up to help me when my life was falling apart...

I ruined everything I had here... the life I had carefully tried to rebuild for myself... all gone!

Why would any of them even want to keep me around after this? I was a danger to them all at this point! My life was a curse, a disease that might infect each and every last one of them!

I felt my chest heave as the memories crashed over me, one after the other. Ashton grabbing me, the suffocating fear as he dragged me into that dark basement, the blind terror of being trapped there, helpless and alone. Daryl bursting in to save me, taking a bullet that was no doubt meant for me, because I was hiding out on the roof too scared to fight back and face him for myself...

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"Sofia, none of us could've seen this coming. Ashton is a fucking psycho. This wasn't your fault, and Daryl would say the same!" Reid speaks out next, as I shake my head at his words in total disagreement.

I thought of Vincent, his face a mixture of pain and regret when he had walked in here.

He hadn't looked at me the same way.

He had barely spoken to me when he got here, wouldn't even let me touch him... And why would he?

I was the reason his best friend was in that hospital bed, hooked up to machines, fighting to stay alive. I was the wedge that had landed between them both before all of this too. Their relationship hadn't been the same, both fighting over stupid little me and for what?

I was a disgrace to the both of them!

Vincent blamed me. I could see it in his eyes, in the way he pulled away from me.

But the worst part was that I blamed myself for it all too.

It was my fault.

All of it.

"I don't deserve any of you," I whispered, my voice barely audible now as the sobs gave way to a quiet, hollow despair as I finally look up again. "I'm the reason this happened. I'm the reason Daryl's in there. I'm the reason Vincent got arrested. I-I ruined everything in all of your lives."

Emma suddenly latched herself on to me, hugging me tighter than ever before, but her warmth couldn't reach me fully. Nothing could. The guilt was too thick and too suffocating.

"You didn't ruin anything," Emma murmured, her voice gentle but firm. "You survived, Sofia. That's what you are, a survivor. Daryl went in there to save you because he knows how important you are to each and every one of us, and because he simply knew that you were worth saving." Emma states, pulling back but maintaining her grip on my shoulders.

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But her words only made the guilt twist harder inside me. How could I be worth saving when it had cost all of them so much? How could any of them still care about me after what I'd caused for them?!

"I don't even know if he's going to make it," I whispered. "I can't... I can't live with myself if he dies." I admit, as Emma swallows the lump in her throat.

Reid finally spoke, his voice low and serious. "Daryl's a fighter, Sofia. He's not giving up. And neither should you."

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that Daryl would pull through, that somehow everything would just go back to normal. But deep down, I knew that nothing would ever be the same again. Not for me. Not for any of us. Vincent was right to pull away from me. I didn't deserve his forgiveness. I didn't deserve any of their kindness. I was the reason we were all sitting here, in this sterile waiting room, praying for a damn miracle!

And if Daryl didn't make it...

I couldn't even begin to finish the thought.

The idea of Daryl - bright, loyal, brave Daryl - not surviving was too much to bear. I would rather the bullet took me than him. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair on them!

The tears came harder, my body shaking as I collapsed into Emma's arms again, completely undone.

All I could do was wait, trapped in the unbearable limbo of guilt and helplessness.

Perhaps I will wait for an update, a promising one, and then maybe, it will be my time to finally move on from here.

Leave them all to live a happy and peaceful life.

Because maybe I was just meant to be alone...