Revolting

What do you wear to your husband's funeral? A black dress would have been too cliche, even if I had owned one, which I didn't. I liked bright colors, and when I opened my closet, it looked like a skittles explosion. Digging through my limited wardrobe I found the most somber and muted thing I owned. It was a sage green maxi dress printed with small, darker green flowers. It was a little tight around my belly, but it would have to do. I pulled my hair up and looked at myself in the mirror. These three days had taken their toll on everyone, myself included. I hadn't been eating well, and I looked a little pale and gaunt. The sage dress made my eyes look a little too big for my face... and whether it was the color or the situation, they looked dark brown and dull today, instead of gold and sparkly.

Shane was waiting for me on my bed. He wore a dark blue suit, with a blue striped tie. His black hair was combed back away from his face, but I knew it wouldn't stay there. Before this stressful day was done, it would be falling everywhere. We didn't really have any words to say. He took my hand, and tucked it into the crook of my arm. My knees had been re-wrapped, but he was offering his strength and support as we made our way down stairs and out to the great meeting hall where the funeral was arranged. Before the hall was opened to the pack, there was a private viewing for the family. I felt a strange sense of de-ja-vu walking to the building. The last time I had set foot in here, it had been my wedding day, and I had been dragged almost off my feet by an impatient Nolan. The raised platform where we had been seated like a king and a queen at the reception was now adorned with his casket and overflowing with floral arrangements and enlarged photos from his life. Caydence sat slumped in a chair nearby. We waited our turn to approach the make-shift alter.

My eyes took in everything. Nolan was such a large man that a coffin had to be custom made to fit his stature. Since it had been rather hastily assembled it was basic, and not ornate or fancy. Laying inside the silk lined box was a man who bore little resemblance to the Nolan I had known. The Nolan I knew had always been angry and tense. Now his handsome face was relaxed, as though in peaceful slumber. His long hair was arranged artfully around his face and shoulders. His massive hands were folded across his abdomen. I realized with a knot in my throat that he was dressed in the same suit we had gotten married in.

I let go of Shane's hand and leaned over the casket. "I have something to say to you Nolan Pierceson," I said finally. "There are things I've been thinking about for a long time, and I wish I'd had the chance to say them to you while you were still alive." I felt eyes on me, and I knew the people closest to the alter could hear me, but I didn't care. This was a private conversation between me and Nolan. I only hoped that wherever his spirit was now, he could hear me. "I wish I could go back in time, because I know now where we went wrong. Remember that first day you met me? That day you told me you didn't want me and you didn't need me? That was the day we both should have said "NO." We should have said NO to our parents, Nolan. I should have stood up and told my father that I was not going to be a pawn in a political negotiation. And you should have stood up to your parents and said NO, you weren't going to be forced into a marriage you didn't want." I felt the hot tears running down my cheeks, but I made no effort to brush them away now. "How is it we had strength to defy the mating bond, but we couldn't stand up to our own parents? I've often wondered what would have happened if we'd just gone our separate ways that day. We'd both be living very different lives now... Nolan... you'd still be alive." I sniffed and rubbed at my belly. "But if things hadn't run their course, then this little one would not be coming into the world. So maybe... maybe things happened the way they did for a reason." I plucked a miniature sunflower from one of the floral arrangements and slipped it under his stiff, cold hands. "Thank you for saving us Nolan," I said, "And I will tell the her that the last thing you said... was "I love you." to your baby."

I could see Caydence's stricken face. Bernhard was braced on the chair behind her, looking equally grim. I approached her slowly. "Mum," I said to her, taking her shaking hands in my own. "I love you. You've been like a second mom to me since I arrived here. I'll miss you, but I think now we can meet frequently, without all the secrecy."

"What? What are you talking about Nina? You can't leave! You have to stay! The baby! Nolan's baby! It is the future alpha of our pack. You have to stay here with the baby." Caydence said desperately.

Hadn't she heard everything I just said to Nolan's body? I raised my chin. "You are right, Caydence. This child has a heritage and a legacy here. And she will grow up knowing all her father's family in the Gold Mountain pack. She will come for visits and spend time knowing her people. And when she comes of age, she can decide for herself if she wants to take on the mantle of Alpha. But until then, I will raise her in my pack." Caydence was sobbing. Maybe it was unfair of me to lay this on her at her son's funeral, but it needed to be said, and it needed to be said now, because I planned to leave today. "My heart is okay, Mum. I've forgiven my father, I've forgive you and Bernhard. I've forgiven Nolan." I took a deep breath, "I've even forgiven myself. We all thought we were doing the right thing at the time, and that's the best we can do. I love you all, and I'll be in touch soon." I leaned down and kissed her forehead, and then I turned to go.This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

My way was blocked by Shane's body. His dark eyes were shocked and hurt. "You are leaving?" he gulped. "You won't stay... not even for me?"

I gave him a sad smile through my tears. "I understand you have responsibilities here now, Shane. I love you, but I can't stay here. This place will never be my home." There was too much I couldn't explain to him, not here, not now, not standing in front of the casket of the dead Alpha. I couldn't explain to him that this house was full of bad memories for me. I couldn't explain to him that I had struggled to start my own life, a life that I controlled, and I wasn't willing to walk away from that. He had duties to Gold Mountain... and I had a duty to my little pack of friends who had risked everything to run away with me. I put my hand against his smooth, brown cheek. "When you need me... you'll know where to find me." I stepped around him, and hobbled back out of the hall alone. I wasn't going to stick around for the service, or the reception. I didn't want to sit and eat food, and pretend to celebrate Nolan's life with his pack. I wanted to go home. I dragged myself up to my room, and took out my suitcases. This time I could pack properly, and leave with dignity. I folded my clothes neatly and placed them in the luggage, along with all the other small things I'd left behind. When I was done, I wheeled the bags out into the hallway, and closed the door to the guest room for the last time. I felt no sadness in leaving, no remorse in my decision. I'd tried my best to make things work with Nolan, but I had never been happy here. This was never a home to me.

I wasn't sure exactly how I was going to negotiate three flights of stairs with two suitcases, but I squared my shoulders and headed that way. I thought I might need to drag one down, and then climb back up to take the second one. I would have called for help, but the house was empty, the whole pack had gone down to the meeting hall. But before I stepped onto the first stair, the handle was pulled out of my grip. William was there, "Are you ready Luna?"

I swallowed, looking up into his handsome, haggard face. "William... don't you need to stay here with your family?"

"Nina... you are my family. Daisy and Gabe, they are my family. Lets go home." He glanced at the stairs. "And lets take the elevator down before you break your neck."

I felt my heart swell up in my chest. I couldn't bear it. I threw my arms around Williams girth and hugged him with all my strength. Words choked in my throat as I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me... how much I cherished his friendship, his loyalty, his bravery. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him as a brother, how much I depended on him as a beta to our little pack... but the words wouldn't come out. "Don't worry kid," he mumbled into my hair, "I got your back."