All Novel XO
Chapter-55. How long
[Ezra]
"Is she the one? The cat you wanted as your healing partner?"
Xanthea peered at me for a few seconds and then lowered her head.
"N-no. I-I mean, I am excited about my new books." She said, forcing a smile onto her face.
I contemplated her for a while and then let out a sigh.
'... Don't try to attribute characteristics of the living to lifeless objects because if they were to come to life, you wouldn't be able to handle it,' her words replayed in my mind. Fine.
Lifeless object, huh? Let's see if I can or cannot handle a lifeless object coming to life.
Years ago, someone asked me this question, and it changed my entire life. Maybe it was time I passed it on to someone else. "Xanthea..."
She lifted her eyes to mine with slight hesitation and fear.
It was infuriating how she revived the parts of me I had buried long ago. How my heart read her pain like I had been doing it for years.Material © of NôvelDrama.Org.
Sharing this question with her would mean sharing all those aching parts of me, both emotionally and psychologically.
I ran my fingers through my hair, taking in a deep breath.
Everything around us went silent. The market blurred away as I was a lot more aware of our heartbeats and breaths. At that moment, it felt like it was just us standing face to face. Holding her gaze, I asked.
"How long... do you plan to continue living like this?"
She drew in her brows as she widened her eyes slightly.
She remained silent and so did I.
Being alone with one's thoughts is always scary, but that was the only way to fix what's broken inside.
One glimpse in her eyes and it was like I could read her soul through and through. Maybe because once I too had a soul just as shattered, just as broken. And the longer I stared into her eyes, the deeper I drowned into the abyss of my past. So I knew how important it was for her to hear this.
"Isn't it tiring being the same all the time just because you are afraid of how others will react to those changes? How long do you plan to be weak, angel?" I asked, feeling a heavy weight press down on my chest.
Normal people develop coping mechanisms, and then people like us develop surviving mechanisms. But it does us more harm than good, closing us from possibilities of life. And then we look for a solution in others, in time. She took in a deep breath, tensing her body as she shut her eyes.
I stepped closer to her and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop myself from caressing her cheek.
"Your life has changed now. And with us as your husbands, it will never be the same again. I know life with us might not be better than your previous one, but hey! It can't get any worse. For better or for worse, we'll be around and no one's worse than us."
Biting her quivering lips, she held back her tears and laughter. She turned around, swiftly wiping off her tears.
I stepped closer to her, wrapping my arm across her heaving chest as I hugged her from behind.
I gave her time to settle with her feelings.
"I am sorry..." her voice cracked with the weight of her emotions and I knew she wasn't apologizing to me but herself. "I am sorry. I-I..."
With a quick gulp, I let her go.
"It's ok," I said.
Finding forgiveness for the cruelty we inflict upon ourselves is nothing short of torture.
"Now tell me, angel. Is she the one? The cat you want as your healing partner?" I asked, turning her around to face me.
She nodded. "Yes," she whispered.
"And do you think you are ready to be her healing partner?" I asked.
She clenched her fingers into fists by her side and shook her head.
"Let's walk to Grimbooks and try to decipher why you aren't ready for her," I said, lightening the heaviness that had engulfed the two of us.
I sauntered, and she strolled beside me, both of us looking around at the other shops, but our attention was on one another.
"I think you know the answer better than me. Why do you think Raven asked you to stay away from your cat?"
She thought for a while before answering.
"I am weak," she said. "Last time when Zosha's powers went out of control..." she told me the entire incident that happened in the forests near Helxton and how she almost died because of Zosha's overhealing.
"Hmm. What do you think of Raven's decision after recalling what happened?" I asked, examining the magic crystals and the swirling lights in them.
"I think... he was right. More rational," she said. "But sometimes it's not about taking the fastest and safest path. Difficult paths are often the ones that lead to unexpected, exquisite destinations."
"But are you strong enough to tread on those difficult paths all by yourself?"
She pursed her lips in a thin line and shook her head.
"So your path's clear, right?"
"That I complete the healer course with another healing partner."
"No silly," I frowned. "Get stronger. Look, you already have nothing to lose. If not for yourself, then for Zosha, you'll have to become stronger. But remember, before protecting anyone else, you must be capable enough to protect yourself. Before changing others, you must be willing to change. Otherwise, it's just empty words with no meaning and no actions."
She looked at me, confused.
"I lack in so many ways. Every way. And I have realized that knowledge is not everything, and I don't even have that kind of knowledge... yet. So, how do I... get stronger?" she asked.
"First, by trusting yourself that you can. And second, as a mortal, you have your limitations. A lot of them. But limitations are not weaknesses; they are your guide. They are like the levels that you need to cross to upgrade yourself."
Her pout deepened and her brows furrowed in confusion. Meanwhile, I silently questioned whether my words were making sense. Or was I in my journal-mode where I wrote crap and sounded even crappier?
"You'll have to earn Raven's trust. Show him you can save yourself even when he is not around. You see, Raven isn't someone to easily show what's truly on his mind. His words often come out stingy and rude, more like a murder threat. But let's not forget he is a healer at heart. And I can tell, when he asked you to stay away from that cat, forget about his reasons. He was trying to protect you. He knows the damage her powers can do to you. And he also knows you aren't capable of protecting yourself against those powers."
I could hear her heart race faster as she fidgeted with her fingers, nibbling on her lips.
"I can convince Raven to reconsider his decision. But you'll have to prove to him you can fend for yourself if things go wrong like the other day. You'll have to show him you can handle Zosha and her powers as a mortal without risking your life. All I can do is create an opportunity - open the door for you. But you'll have to walk in on your own two feet."
She looked into my eyes again, and I saw something tender. Soft yet strong.
"You can take your time, gather your kind of strength, formulate a plan to cross your limitations. Because... healing partners can change even after college starts," I said, pointing towards the biggest bookstore in the Infernal realm, Grimbooks. "I can buy you stuff that can help you upgrade, but the rest is on you."
Her eyes lit up and this time, when she smiled, it looked a little more genuine.
"Alpha... can I ask you a question?"
"Go on."
"You didn't want me to... enroll in Helxton, so why are you... helping me now?"
My steps halted at her words. I looked at her with a smirk.
"Just toying around with you. Helping you is totally selfish. Don't catch feelings for me."
Xanthea's shoulders tensed, and a flush crept up her cheeks, staining them cherry red. She quickly averted her gaze.
"W-w-why would I do that?"
With hasty steps, she entered Grimbooks.
I chuckled, following her.
***
I ordered her course books while Xanthea wandered among the life-sized anatomical models from all weird angles, drawing in attention and chuckles from the passersby.
I knew she'd enjoy herself here, but I was getting super bored.
I flipped through a book and it was all black and white words with no pictures except for the complex diagrams.
'What in the devil did I just see? Bleach your eyes, Ezra. Why are there so many small words in these books and why are these books forming a tower?' Odeus grumbled in my head. He was just as bored as I was.
I yawned and then peered at Xanthea who was all around the store, hopping from one corner to the other like a curious bunny.
Sometimes she was around the anatomical model, dismantling their muscles and veins and nerves of their plastic bodies, and sometimes she was in the herb section, sniffing and touching various flowers and leaves. I smiled to myself.
Only if she was this passionate in the bedroom, I wouldn't have to do the extra work.
Unlike me, at least, she had something that could genuinely make her happy.
Asher wasn't wrong when he called her cute. But she was cute in the stupidest of ways.
'Cute, huh?' Odeus mocked sarcastically.
'Asher finds her cute. Not me. She is just annoying in cute ways to me. That's it!' I thought to him.
I chuckled to myself, adding a journal to her purchase list.
I glanced away for a moment, and when I looked back, Xanthea was suddenly right beside me.
"A journal?"
I almost flinched at her voice from behind. When did she get this close?
I cleared my throat and gave a curt nod.
"Yeah. For you."
"For me? Why?" She blinked.
"Just take it!" I handed the leather journal to her.
"But I don't journal."
"Then you should!"
"Why?"
"Ugh!" I growled, glaring at her, and she cowered under my scrutiny.
I took in a deep breath as an annoyingly creeping feeling stopped me from saying the words in my mind.
I couldn't embarrass myself because of my impulses anymore. But when I looked at her wilted expression, something unruly tugged at my heart and I gave in to my impulsive thoughts, anyway. "Journal your journey. Your story is just as worth recording as your mother's was," I said, making it sound completely casual. It was nothing special.
In fact, it was so mundane, I didn't even look at her when I said those words and kept myself occupied with the payment.