Always Been You

~Lola~

As the train pulled away from NYC, heading to Ozark, I thought of the opportunities I had to express how I felt for Dante, but I couldn’t. The prom night, our dinner dates, on my 18th birthday, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I’ve been told that no matter what, a girl shouldn’t be too desperate. His mom told me I should never tell him. He would have to realize his feelings for me himself. Sadly, it took years, and I’m still counting. I chuckled because it never happened; it was all in my head. Dante and Lola’s story was all in my head, and this is our goodbye. Sadly, our story ends today. The story that was never there-perhaps it was all in my head- There is no Dante and Lola going forward as there was never Dante and Lola even before. I will miss him. Dante was just a natural. I loved everything about him. It was so easy to talk to him; he was a great listener, and he laughed at my silly jokes. I have never once looked at any other man the way I looked at Dante. His smile, his laughter-I swear the world stopped revolving when that man genuinely laughed. His smiles were something that kept me going each time I searched for something that could make me smile. Dante was amazing, and I loved just how easy it was to talk to him. He always had the answers to every one of my questions. I know I was sometimes annoying, but he laughed at every little silly thing I did. Now, I gave up my happiness in order to make him happy with the one he truly loved. I am just an altruist. I will no longer see that amazingly handsome face. I do not blame him; I had enough chances. The time I knew I had lost him for good was when he told me he was going out with Candice. I gave up on him looking at me as a woman a long time ago. But I never thought that he would date anyone I knew. I vividly remember that day. It was his birthday, and right when I was about to tell him how I felt about him, Candice showed up and kissed him in front of me, and he told me they were going out. He told me he was happy with her; she made him feel things, and he wanted to be with her.

Candice is the type of girl who goes for what she wants. She told me she liked him, and she went for him, and she got him. Well, I am the opposite. I thought that the stupid promise we made to each other when we were young meant something to him, as it did for me. I waited for him to tell me it was time for us to be together. I didn’t even get to ask how long they had been seeing each other. I just stared at the two of them simultaneously while forcing a smile onto my face. Deep inside, I died that day. I knew I had lost him, but what did I do? I couldn’t resist him when I saw him naked, even though I knew that there would never be Dante and Lola. We were done that day. He told me he wanted to be with Candice. I told myself I was over whatever I felt for him. I even lied that I was happy for them while forcing a smile. I even learned to live with the fact that they were a couple, even though they would cheat on each other. I was there to listen to all of them. I forgot to mention that the day Dante told me he was going out with Candice was the day I learned how to drink alcohol. I freaking waited for him, but he forgot everything about us when he saw a more mature girl around him. I have to pretend when I’m with the two of them; I laugh at every joke they make like an idiot. When they kissed in front of me, that’s when I felt my already broken heart drop to my core. Then he said something that made me wonder if he ever meant that he would be my Prince Charming.

“Lola, you are of age now, and I won’t kill anyone if you start dating. But I will kill anyone who breaks your heart.”

How do I even tell him that he was the one who broke my heart, my trust, and the promise we made to each other back then?This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

It took me time to process everything. I even didn’t go home for a whole week, and when I came back, I lied to him and told him I was at my boyfriend’s. He didn’t care, and that was when I knew I had to stop my madness and look at him as a friend, and so I did. But why did he initiate sex that day? I was his replacement for everything-his replacement bride, his replacement girlfriend. What was I doing that night, and why did he touch me and break my heart the next day? Ever since that night, my world has come crashing down. I accepted him and Candice. Now, after our wedding night, all I could do was act cool while dying on the inside. If Candice made him feel things, then why did he touch me? I couldn’t face any of them and act as if nothing happened between Dante and me. Masking my feelings for him was an art I mastered, but pretending the steamy night didn’t happen was something I failed to do. So I did the unthinkable, like a stupid, needy prostitute. I went and delivered myself to his room and fucked him one last fuck before I said goodbye. One last kiss, one last bed share, one last touch, one last glance at the man who watched me grow and never looked at me as a woman, a man who broke my heart after taking my innocence. A man who told me we couldn’t be together still didn’t have the guts to say no to that one last night. One last time… Every time I see him with the woman he loved, he teaches me how to hold a sob. It was easy back then, but ever since I found out I was pregnant, it has been difficult to watch them. I would hold in sobs while I nervously laughed with them. I had to make this choice: to walk away from it all-from him, from this city-so he could be happy. I still love him, but I had to walk away for him to be happy with the one he loved and not have to choose between the woman he loved and his children. As I said, I am an altruist. This is the price I pay for loving the man I shouldn’t have loved. The price I pay for not saying no all the time is because I thought he would notice me. He is still the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yet, this is the price I pay for falling deeply in love with Dante. No regrets.